So, for those of you who haven’t heard the good news, let me be the first to inform you that Betsy Devos, king Trump’s pick for Secretary of Education, has been confirmed. As he promised in his campaign, Emperor Trump is draining the swamp, which apparently is a euphemism for pissing on public education while stacking his presidential cabinet with his rich, unqualified friends. Though this may seem like a bleak, horrible day for anyone who knows and cares about the education in this country, I wanted to point out that it isn’t. As a matter of fact, the nation’s educators should use this point in history as a teachable moment, to bestow upon our students the backbone of the American Dream, that we all, through hard work, intense studying and American determination can obtain multiple degrees in our chosen field, put in countless years honing our craft, and find ourselves the underling of a brain-dead billionaire who was fortunate enough to be born into money. That’s right, anyone can serve the rich and that is what America is all about.But this is not to bemoan Czar Trump’s victory, or take away from the fascistic fervor his loyal army of supporters must be feeling. Instead, I wanted to outline a few ways the life of our nation’s public school teachers and students will change, celebrating these changes, in hopes that there will be a place for an overly educated, libtard snowflake like myself in the new Amurica being sculpted by our rightful rulers: the rich overlords. Much like Winston Smith, I love Big Brother (if overlords Trump or DeVos are reading, that is a reference to my favorite piece of literature: The Apprentice Season 2).
Our public schools have a set of classes all based on wanting to teach different sets of skills, that correlate to the facts of those subjects. Not only is that boring, but in the words of our exalted leader: sad. We don’t want boring skills and facts mucking up our educational system, which is why the following class changes will be made.
1) Social Studies will now be replaced with Alternative History
Bleeding pussy libtards would have you think that the United States were a bunch of English colonies that broke away from England to gain their independence, but they would be wrong, because real, Trump supporting Amuricans, know that Amurica is the oldest and greatest country in the world, second only to Mother Russia. It was in 1783 that, by the guidance of white Amurican Jesus, the United States allowed its biggest colony, known as, England to go off and do their own thing. The Declaration of Independence, signed 17 diggty-doo, was giving the English our blessing in their endeavor as a country. These are the kind of things you’d be learning in the revamped Alternative History classes. No longer will our all white, Christian nation have to be barraged with the lies that Injuns were killed and subjugated to obtain our land and Negroes were used as slaves to build it up, because in Alternative History, our children will learn that people of color didn’t come to this country until the 1960’s, when hippies demanded we let them in and make them equal.
2) Algebra, Geometry, Trigonometry and fiscal math will now be replaced by Trigeogbra.
We all know that 2 + 2 = 5, but outside of that, numbers are hard. Our kids are always being asked to solve for x, plot for y, figure out sin and cos. I’ll tell you what x equals: my balls. Plot for y? Just give me a woman with “no” on her lips and my hand will be in prime y plotting position. Cos and sin? There’s no sin here, but we will get guest speaker, and General Trump’s newest pick for Secretary of Women’s Rights, Bill Cosby, to lecture in every school through-out this great nation and only one fourteen-year-old a city will need to get his extra tutoring. Trigeogbra will be the ultimate in real-life, Amurican financial literacy. Our kids will learn that if they were born rich they could achieve anything, but since they weren’t, they’re now part of the working class. Our kids will also learn important life skills like: a) how to apply for college loans; b) how to overdraft your checking account; c) how to open up a credit card without reading the form or learning your interest percent. Remember the immortal words of our newest intelligent person running things, Betsy DeVos, “nothing comes for free. Even when you’re born into billions.”
3a) Physical Education will be replaced by Miss America Competitions (For Girls)
The one thing this country has overlooked, due mostly to legal and moral issues, is that our school system is teeming with young, attractive women with daddy issues. And, as our Grand Puba Trump has admitted on the respected CNN political showcase, The Howard Stern Show, young, attractive, with daddy issues is the way he likes them. With all of this “talent” in our school system, why waste a golden fundraising opportunity by making gym class into the Future Miss America Class? Instead of volleyball, these young ladies will be playing at a bigger game: making themselves fitter, skinnier and more attractive so they can one day grace the stage at our country’s time honored televised event “The State of the Union Miss America Competition.” No longer will young ladies be running laps or playing sports, which obviously turns them into lesbians, but instead they will be learning poise, grace, and the proper way to model in a swimsuit. Fat chicks the president deems “unbonable,” can, you know, go smoke in the bathroom or something. Who cares, they won’t pass anyway and have no place in Amurica. They’ll probably just grow up to be lesbians like disgusting Rosie O’Donnel No one cares about anyone but the attractive girls anyway.
3b) Physical Education will be replaced by Bear Patrol (For Boys)
The biggest threat to our children is very clear. It’s not pedophiles, murderers or billionaires looking to profit from them, but instead it is bears. That’s right, polar bears, grizzly bears and big hairy gay men bears, all pose a significant threat to our kids. They roam the streets, come to our schools, sometimes trying to pick their kids up and corrupt the Christian sensibility we taught them with their gayness. They are a menace! And science has taught us, never to believe in science, but religion, which explains that men are stronger, smarter and better hunters than any other gender of the only two genders we acknowledge as real. This is why our boys will be engaging in a physical test of endurance where they hunt, kill or marry any bears attempting to invade our schools. You kill a bear: A. You marry a bear: C. The bear kills or marries you: F.
4) Science will now be Religion
The Earth revolves around the sun? Wrong! People evolved from monkeys? Sad! The climate of the Earth has been proven to be changing, heating up the planet with greenhouse gasses, causing the polar ice caps to slowly melt, bringing us one step closer to drinking our own piss with Kevin Costner? Plot by the Chinese! The fact is is that facts make people unhappy, and in Amurica we value feelings (that don’t contradict our personal emotions) over facts. What are facts but libtard agendas propagated by whiney, fragile snowflakes used to shake Amurucan core beliefs, that often end in strong conservatives throwing a baby tantrum. Facts are alterable, faith is constant. If you believe that God put people here two hundred ago, you’re right and we will teach this to your children. If you believe Jesus was a white man, born in the Middle East, who made a pit stop in the Americas on his way to heaven, to save our souls: our text books say the same thing. If you believe that Allah wants us all to love each other, regardless of religious belief: than you are a filthy Muslim terrorist who took part on 9/11 and will be banned for national security (unless Viceroy Trump does business in your country of origin). Whatever you believe, if it’s Christian it’s fact in this class.
5) Foreign Language will be replaced by Defense Against the Dark Arts
The one piece of experience that Betsy DeVos has in running a country’s educational system is that she saw a ten-minute clip from the third Harry Potter movie twice. It was a clip where Professor Lupin was really connecting with Harry over his troubles and teaching him to focus his magic. It was a touching scene, as he was trying to help Harry block out the soul-draining effects of the dementors. The guy who played Lupin, also, was a good-looking guy and the guy who played Harry showed his junk on stage: all admirable qualities. This may sound like a useless class to some, but no more useless than Foreign Language. We’re Amurica! People learn English to speak to us, and then learn our backwater, language-killing dialect, so who needs that class?
6) Art, Music and Theater will be replaced by hahahahahahahahahahahahah. Seriously?
7) Health Education will be replaced by Fetus Funeral Class
This curriculum comes directly from the HCIC (Head Christian in Charge) and teaches our young high school girls that they should be ashamed of their God-given sexual desires, as well as given a litany of instruction on the proper way to conduct a funeral for a miscarried fetus, period blood and finger clippings, as every part of us was created by God. They will also learn that, sometimes you have to give in before marriage, because certain guys need “practice girls,” and that it’s all ok because of a simple rhyme they all need to remember “when a guy has premarital sex it’s a score, but when a girl does it she’s a whore.”
8) English will be replaced by Twitter
Let’s face it, only losers read anything more than 140 characters, without a hashtag in front of it. Instead of lengthy discussion among eggheads about plot, theme and author’s purpose, our kids will be taught 145 books a school year, all no longer than a tweet. Want to teach Hamlet? @Shakespeare #mentalproblems do your mom already. Great Gatsby? @Fitzgerald #drinking Gatsby is a rich pussy. 1984? @Orwell #Trumpadministration Winston is a lucky guy with a good job. We will also study the classic, prolific tweets of the grand twit in charge such as “If U.C. Berkely does not allow free speech and practices violence on innocent people with a different point of view – NO FEDERAL FUNDS?” “The electoral college is a disaster for democracy” and “@NBCNews is bad but Saturday Night Live is the worst of NBC. Not funny, cast is terrible, always a complete hit job. Really bad television!”
So that is our new set of classes. I’m excited to teach in this new regime and hope you all share my enthusiasm. As a gesture of loyalty, I will be getting the first of three lobotomies next week, so I can be just as intelligent as our Secretary of Education and our new President. Before I go, however, I want leave you with the Trumpified gist of a quote by Nelson Mandela: “Education is powerful. So powerful. Bigly powerful. And it can change things in a huge way.”